When you ask pretty much anyone what the key to a healthy relationship is, they will most likely say, "communication!" That is a very true, but also kind of generic statement. Everyone has their own ways of communicating, and I believe every couple has to figure out for themselves what works for them. However, we are all human, so we have common aspects of communicating. One common aspect is the three basic systems that we use to communicate and receive a message. They are:
1. Facial expressions/body language
2. Tone of voice
3. The actual words you say.
Dr. Lund (2008) calls the combination of these three message systems "Your Personal Message Filter."
Imagine this scenario with me for a moment. You are a newlywed and you wanted to do something thoughtful, so you have made a meal for your spouse. It may have been a long time since you have made a meal, or maybe you tried a new recipe, or maybe you aren't confident in your cooking abilities. So, at the dinner table, you ask your spouse what they think about what you have made for them. They shift a little bit, look down and away from your eye contact, and with an uneven voice say, "It's great honey." Now, what is your takeaway message from what they have communicated with you? Most people would point out the body language of not making eye contact and the tone as they told you it was great. Your takeaway message would likely be that they hated the meal and it tastes terrible. Even though they told you it was great.
Do you see the troubles that may arise from communicating? It can be very confusing! This is where a common method of communicating comes in and saves the day. It is called content communicating.
In content communication, you hold yourself and your spouse accountable for the actual words they say. You clearly communicate your feelings and needs with words. You don't assume they can read your mind from your body language and tone of voice. This allows a higher possibility of having expectations met and being on the same page.
Let me share with you an experience I read that shows the benefits of content communication. It comes from the perspective of a husband. He and his wife have been married for 15 years. He shared that his wife had asked him almost ever night if he had read his scriptures yet. He was irritated by her constant checking up on his scripture study. One night, he decided to be a content communicator and shared with her his irritation. His wife responded, "I don't care if you read your scriptures or not; I just want to know if I can turn out the light." And just like that the situation was resolved (Lund, 2008). The man did not have anymore irritation and the wife was not sending anymore indirect messages. They were on the same page.
Dr. Lund (2008) explains more about the benefits of content communication:
"When two people agree to become content communicators...there are no hidden agendas. You can trust the other person to ask for what he or she wants. There is no mind reading, no hint dropping, no test for true love, and no holding on to dysfunctional and unrealistic expectations."
I think we are all guilty of expecting our loved ones to be mind readers. We think that if we drop hints they will do exactly what we want. Instead, why not say exactly what you want? It might feel silly and pointless, but I promise you it works.
I have a tendency to worry a lot more than I need to. Nate has been my safe haven and the recipient of the voicing of my worries for almost two years now. Sometimes I worry about an argument or a disagreement that we have had. Nate is ready to move past what happened and be normal and hunky dory again, but sometimes I am not. I remember one instance this happened. I just really needed to be reassured that everything was okay and that Nate was not mad at me for what had happened. I admit I did drop a few hints and wished he could read my mind about this. But eventually I simply said: "Can you just tell me everything is okay and you love me? I need to hear it again." So that is what he did. And guess what? Things got better. I stopped worrying and was able to move on.
I share that example to show how simple content communicating can be. I invite all of you to try it. Catch yourself in the act of hint dropping, assuming, or waiting for your spouse to read your mind. Instead, tell your spouse what your needs and expectations are. I promise they will do everything in their power to meet them and it will just make things easier :)
I leave you with some final words of wisdom from Dr. Lund:
"I counsel couples to assume only one thing - that their spouse is madly in love with them and that their spouse is pleased with everything they're doing" (Lund, 2008)
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| *If you would like to read more from Dr. Lund's book, click here* |
References
Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.
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