Conflict Management

Every relationship is going to have conflicts and ups and downs. If that is news to you…I am sorry. During the beginning of relationships and marriages you are in what is usually called the “Honeymoon Phase”. You are so happy and in love that you can’t imagine anything going wrong. Living in the clouds is great, but the truth is, bad things are going to happen and there is going to be some kind of disagreement or conflict. The key is not to manage conflict into proper outcomes. Outcomes that do not include overly hurt feelings or grudges.

Research shows that it is not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it is managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship (Lisitsa, 2013).

So how does one correctly manage conflict? I think that is something every couple has to figure out on their own. But, here are some skills that you can try from Dr. Lund (2008):

7 Practical Skills for Conflict Management

1. Ask for permission to criticize

2. Be alone with the one being criticized at a mutually agreeable time and place

3. Use a soft start up

4. Be in emotional control and logically explain your concerns

5. Make statements that start with I instead of you

6. Complain but don’t blame

7. Affirm worth

I am going to share personal examples for 2 of these skills. First, be in emotional control and logically explain your concerns. When you let emotions take over, that is when conflict becomes unmanageable. Things are said that shouldn’t be, things escalate, and it just not a good thing. I am a cryer, and I have let my emotions get the best of me in some of the conflicts I have experienced with Nate. One time I was confused about something he was doing. I called him and did my best to hold back the crying I tend to do. I explained my concerns and he explained his side of things. It was so easy! I may have shed a couple of tears, but I was in control and it helped our conversation immensely.

I think the most useful skill in that list is the last one: affirm worth. It is important to make it clear that the love is still there between the two of you. You may disagree with them or not be happy with a decision they have made, but you still love them more than anything. This is something Nate and I have always been really good at. I do not have just one example, because we do this a lot. But, say we had a conflict. I was mad at him or he was mad at me. We hashed it out and figured out what the issue was, apologies were made, etc. Then, we both make a point to say I love you and affirm that everything is okay before we move on. It helps so much to get that reassurance. It allows you to forget the negativity because it is not more important than your love for each other.

I challenge all of you to take a close look at the list of skills I have provided and choose one to work on this week. I promise you will see blessings in your ability to manage conflict with your spouse.

References

Lisitsa, E. (2013). The four horsemen: The antidotes. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes.

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.