Understanding and Accepting Differences

Males and females are different (shocker, I know). We are different in multiple aspects. We are different physically, emotionally, and cognitively. We communicate differently, we tend to have different interests, and we tend to have different needs. We have all heard the sayings “opposites attract” or the idea that a spouse should be similar to you in order to really get along. The truth is, we are all different and part of marriage is understanding and accepting those differences and using them to our advantage.

Dr. John Lund (2008) shares that one of the main differences between men and women is in how they communicate. On average, women give off three times more communication signals per day than men do. We tend to give men more information than they need. Dr. Lund also explains that most men would like to know the following three things prior to beginning a serious conversation:

1. Is this going to be painful?

2. How long is this going to take?

3. What do you want from me when this conversation is over?

I personally thought these things were a little bit silly, but I saw the merit in the last one. I realized that sometimes when I talk to Nate he doesn’t know the point of what I am saying or what I want him to do. This has made me think more about what my needs and expectations of him are. For example, the other day there was something that was bothering me. It wasn’t a very big deal, but I wanted to talk to Nate about it and get it out of my head. I waited until we were Skyping and both in good moods and I told him what was on my mind and at the very end I was clear about what I wanted him to do about what I had said. He complied with my request and I realized that was the best way I could have handled that situation.

As human beings we also have a tendency to assume that other people are the same as us. We assume they see the world just like we do. In a marriage it is important to know that your spouse has different ideas and feelings than you do. They can’t read your mind and you can’t force them to think like you do. I am a city girl from Southern California, and Nate was raised to be more outdoorsy and in a smaller town. As a result, we have some different interests. Over the course of our relationship, we have been able to share those interests with each other. I found that it creates a deeper connection between us when we are able to share in activities that the other person enjoys. For example, I love basketball and he loves guns. 2 of my favorite dates we have been on are when he took me shooting and when I took him to the gym at my church building to play basketball. Pictures of those dates are below J

A one on one rematch still needs to go down

Now it is your turn! J The next time you want to tell your husband something. Think first: What do I want him to do when I finish telling him this? And then make that clear to him. Don’t make him read your mind.

And the next time a difference comes up between you and your spouse, don’t ignore it or be annoyed by it, embrace it! Discuss with your spouse how you can incorporate both of your interests and ideas. Plan date nights where you do each other’s favorite activities. Have fun together!

References

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.