Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation

Who doesn't love to be appreciated? Even if someone says they don't love it, deep down, they really do J

One important way to build a healthier relationship and marriage is to Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation.

This is how you do it:

“Building a culture of appreciation, fondness, and admiration involves using the things you know about your partner to show that you care and want them to be happy. Positive thoughts invoke positive feelings, and the goal is to turn both into positive actions that help to heal and bring companionship back in your relationship” (Lisitsa, 2014).

I would hope that one of the many reasons you choose to marry your spouse is that you love and appreciate them more than anything. Well, don’t keep those feelings a secret! Do everything you can to let them know that you love and appreciate them. Have them take the Love Languages Quiz if you do not know how they like to be shown love.

One way that Nate helps us cultivate a culture of appreciation is by doing literally anything he can to make me happy. He will say and do the most ridiculous, cute, and funny things to get me to smile and laugh. I feel how much he loves and appreciates me when he does this. It is obvious to me that he cares about me and my happiness. He does what he can to be there for me even during the time when he hasn’t been able to physically be there for me. And when he is physically there for me, he does everything he can to take care of me. I wanted to include the picture you see below because it shows how he makes me feel loved and appreciated. Notice a few things: I am wearing his jacket, he is holding ice cream that he bought because I was craving some, and this is after he took me to the movies. These are all small things, but they mean so much and make me feel so loved and special J

I try to do my part to cultivate our culture of appreciation. It will be so much easier and more rewarding when we are actually living in the same state, but we still have managed from different states. During one conversation Nate was talking about how much he loves the movie “The Incredibles” and how awesome it would be to have the Toy Story series on DVD. A couple of days later I decided to see if those movies were on Amazon. And they were, for a really great price. So, I ordered them and sent them to him without telling him. This action showed that I listen to him, care about him, and think about him.

 “When you take the time to notice and express what your partner does that makes your life easier, makes you smile, or reminds why you were attracted to them in the first place, they feel validated. And validation is a powerful thing: we all love for our actions to be accepted and appreciated, and want to be honored and respected” (Lisitsa, 2014).

I invite each of you to find ways to cultivate a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Tell your spouse how much you love and appreciate them. I promise they will not get tired of hearing it. Think of something special you can do this week that shows how much you love and care about them.

References

Lisitsa, E. (2014). Weekend homework assignment: Building a culture of appreciation. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekendhomework-assignment-building-a-culture-of-appreciation/.

Forgiveness

Let's face it. We all make mistakes. When we love someone we see them as perfect. Well, guess what, they are not perfect and neither are you. Sometimes your spouse is going to do something that causes you to be hurt, mad, annoyed, etc. Part of truly loving someone is being able to love them despite their faults. When you truly love them you are able to see the best in them and in their intentions. You are able to forgive them.

President James E. Faust shared a beautiful talk in April 2007 titled “The Healing Power of Forgiveness.”  

In this talk he shares these words:

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.”

He also shares this touching experience of true forgiveness:

“A 32-year-old milk truck driver lived with his family in their Nickel Mines community. He was not Amish, but his pickup route took him to many Amish dairy farms, where he became known as the quiet milkman. Last October he suddenly lost all reason and control. In his tormented mind he blamed God for the death of his first child and some unsubstantiated memories. He stormed into the Amish school without any provocation, released the boys and adults, and tied up the 10 girls. He shot the girls, killing five and wounding five. Then he took his own life.

This shocking violence caused great anguish among the Amish but no anger. There was hurt but no hate. Their forgiveness was immediate. Collectively they began to reach out to the milkman’s suffering family. As the milkman’s family gathered in his home the day after the shootings, an Amish neighbor came over, wrapped his arms around the father of the dead gunman, and said, “We will forgive you.”1 Amish leaders visited the milkman’s wife and children to extend their sympathy, their forgiveness, their help, and their love. About half of the mourners at the milkman’s funeral were Amish. In turn, the Amish invited the milkman’s family to attend the funeral services of the girls who had been killed. A remarkable peace settled on the Amish as their faith sustained them during this crisis” (Faust, 2007).

The power of love and forgiveness brought peace to this community during a time that could have easily been full of hatred and anger.

In my personal life, I have experienced forgiveness many times with Nate. I have a tendency to mess up and say dumb things. I cannot even think of a specific example because I have done it so much. Sometimes I have no idea why Nate chooses to put up with me. But, no matter how many times I mess up or do something crazy, Nate forgives me and tells me he loves me many more times over. True love is unconditional and does not hold onto grudges or negative feelings. The healing power of forgiveness is not just for the person who is the recipient of the wrong doing, it is also for the person who has messed up. They need your forgiveness in order to heal and move on. This can be for big things like the Amish community or small things like I talked about in my own relationship.

Allow the healing power of forgiveness to come into your marriage. Pray for help in seeing your spouse as Heavenly Father sees them. Choose to replace negative feelings with feelings of love and forgiveness. In return, your spouse will do the same for you. A mutual feeling of unconditional love will enter into your relationship and bring you more joy than you can imagine.

References

Faust, J. E. (2007, April). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Retrieved from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

Understanding and Accepting Differences

Males and females are different (shocker, I know). We are different in multiple aspects. We are different physically, emotionally, and cognitively. We communicate differently, we tend to have different interests, and we tend to have different needs. We have all heard the sayings “opposites attract” or the idea that a spouse should be similar to you in order to really get along. The truth is, we are all different and part of marriage is understanding and accepting those differences and using them to our advantage.

Dr. John Lund (2008) shares that one of the main differences between men and women is in how they communicate. On average, women give off three times more communication signals per day than men do. We tend to give men more information than they need. Dr. Lund also explains that most men would like to know the following three things prior to beginning a serious conversation:

1. Is this going to be painful?

2. How long is this going to take?

3. What do you want from me when this conversation is over?

I personally thought these things were a little bit silly, but I saw the merit in the last one. I realized that sometimes when I talk to Nate he doesn’t know the point of what I am saying or what I want him to do. This has made me think more about what my needs and expectations of him are. For example, the other day there was something that was bothering me. It wasn’t a very big deal, but I wanted to talk to Nate about it and get it out of my head. I waited until we were Skyping and both in good moods and I told him what was on my mind and at the very end I was clear about what I wanted him to do about what I had said. He complied with my request and I realized that was the best way I could have handled that situation.

As human beings we also have a tendency to assume that other people are the same as us. We assume they see the world just like we do. In a marriage it is important to know that your spouse has different ideas and feelings than you do. They can’t read your mind and you can’t force them to think like you do. I am a city girl from Southern California, and Nate was raised to be more outdoorsy and in a smaller town. As a result, we have some different interests. Over the course of our relationship, we have been able to share those interests with each other. I found that it creates a deeper connection between us when we are able to share in activities that the other person enjoys. For example, I love basketball and he loves guns. 2 of my favorite dates we have been on are when he took me shooting and when I took him to the gym at my church building to play basketball. Pictures of those dates are below J

A one on one rematch still needs to go down

Now it is your turn! J The next time you want to tell your husband something. Think first: What do I want him to do when I finish telling him this? And then make that clear to him. Don’t make him read your mind.

And the next time a difference comes up between you and your spouse, don’t ignore it or be annoyed by it, embrace it! Discuss with your spouse how you can incorporate both of your interests and ideas. Plan date nights where you do each other’s favorite activities. Have fun together!

References

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.

Conflict Management

Every relationship is going to have conflicts and ups and downs. If that is news to you…I am sorry. During the beginning of relationships and marriages you are in what is usually called the “Honeymoon Phase”. You are so happy and in love that you can’t imagine anything going wrong. Living in the clouds is great, but the truth is, bad things are going to happen and there is going to be some kind of disagreement or conflict. The key is not to manage conflict into proper outcomes. Outcomes that do not include overly hurt feelings or grudges.

Research shows that it is not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it is managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship (Lisitsa, 2013).

So how does one correctly manage conflict? I think that is something every couple has to figure out on their own. But, here are some skills that you can try from Dr. Lund (2008):

7 Practical Skills for Conflict Management

1. Ask for permission to criticize

2. Be alone with the one being criticized at a mutually agreeable time and place

3. Use a soft start up

4. Be in emotional control and logically explain your concerns

5. Make statements that start with I instead of you

6. Complain but don’t blame

7. Affirm worth

I am going to share personal examples for 2 of these skills. First, be in emotional control and logically explain your concerns. When you let emotions take over, that is when conflict becomes unmanageable. Things are said that shouldn’t be, things escalate, and it just not a good thing. I am a cryer, and I have let my emotions get the best of me in some of the conflicts I have experienced with Nate. One time I was confused about something he was doing. I called him and did my best to hold back the crying I tend to do. I explained my concerns and he explained his side of things. It was so easy! I may have shed a couple of tears, but I was in control and it helped our conversation immensely.

I think the most useful skill in that list is the last one: affirm worth. It is important to make it clear that the love is still there between the two of you. You may disagree with them or not be happy with a decision they have made, but you still love them more than anything. This is something Nate and I have always been really good at. I do not have just one example, because we do this a lot. But, say we had a conflict. I was mad at him or he was mad at me. We hashed it out and figured out what the issue was, apologies were made, etc. Then, we both make a point to say I love you and affirm that everything is okay before we move on. It helps so much to get that reassurance. It allows you to forget the negativity because it is not more important than your love for each other.

I challenge all of you to take a close look at the list of skills I have provided and choose one to work on this week. I promise you will see blessings in your ability to manage conflict with your spouse.

References

Lisitsa, E. (2013). The four horsemen: The antidotes. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes.

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.

Self Disclosure

Your spouse should be your best friend, your safe haven, your confidant. There is nothing to hide from each other (unless it is a surprise of course :D) In a healthy and happy marriage, it is vital to feel comfortable doing what is called "Self Disclosure" with your spouse.

Wikipedia defines self-disclosure as "a process of communication by which one person reveals information about himself or herself to another" (Self-disclosure, 2016). This is what occurs in courtship and should occur throughout your relationship. You should always be getting to know each other better and deepening your connection.

Marlene Williams, an associate professor at Brigham Young University said, “Submitting to love means that we allow our hearts to be vulnerable to a righteous spouse” (2016).

The key word to me in that quote is vulnerable. That is the part of love that scared me the most. But, Nate and I are at the point now where self-disclosure comes relatively easily. I am not going to share specific details, but there are many times when I will disclose something to Nate, and be a little bit afraid about how he will react. Usually he will be very understanding, we will take care of the issue, and we will move on. This really helps our relationship and helps me to know that I can share absolutely anything with him. I know that connection will continue to grow throughout our marriage.

Williams also says, “When you openly discuss weaknesses and problems without fear of rejection or ridicule, you can create a ‘safe place’ in the relationship. Having the safety to explore problems in an empathic and caring relationship facilitates the kind of self-examination that is necessary for change and growth to take place (2016).

So, not only do you have to be brave and self-disclose, but you need to help create the kind of environment where your spouse feels comfortable self-disclosing to you. You need to create an empathetic and loving environment that allows your spouse to feel safe and understood.

At the beginning of my relationship with Nate, I was not the greatest at self-disclosure, but he was. He shared with me a lot of things from his past that not everyone knows about. He was afraid it would scare me off and make me not want to pursue a relationship with him. However, I was able to be understanding and saw him for who he really was and who he has become. This deepened our connection and created a foundation that has held strong ever since.

I thought it would be interesting to compare these two pictures. The first one is the first time I went to visit him. The second one is after we had been dating for almost a year. I think you can tell how much more comfortable we are with each other. Well at least how much more comfortable I am. He pretty much looks the same :) I think that the increased level of comfortableness has a lot to do with self-disclosure and getting to know each other better.

Now it is your turn! Do your part to create a safe haven in your marriage. If there is something you are holding back from your spouse, share it with them, and make sure they know they can share anything with you. Vulnerability is not a bad thing, especially with your marriage partner.

References

Self-disclosure. (2016). In Wikipedia. Retrieved July 18, 2016, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-disclosure

Wiliams, M. (2016, June 9). A Gospel of Relationships. Speech presented at Devotional Address in Brigham Young University, Provo. Retrieved June 9, 2016, from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/marleen- williams_gospelrelationships/.

Rituals

Rituals are an important part of a marriage relationship. They are "social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant" (Doherty, 2013). They can be literally anything, as long as it is something that is repeated, something that is coordinated and planned between the two parties, and something that has positive emotional meaning for the two parties. The significance factor is important. Without significance, you just have a meaningless routine (Doherty, 2013). Rituals turn a marriage from something that is just going through the motions, to two people who are connected and aware of each other.

Dr. Doherty (2013) speaks of 4 different types of rituals:

• Connection Rituals
• Talk Rituals
• Love Rituals
• Intimacy Rituals

Connection and Talk Rituals

These two are very self explanatory. They are rituals that allow you and your spouse to be connected during the day and that give you an opportunity to talk (Doherty, 2013). I realized that Nate and I have many of these kinds of rituals. One is good morning and goodnight texts. Every morning whoever wakes up first (usually him) will text good morning to the other person. He will say "Good morning beautiful" and I will respond "Good morning handsome". This helps us start our days off together, even though we aren't technically together. At night he will text "Goodnight sweetheart" and I will text "Goodnight honey". These are super cheesy and may sound like they are not a big deal, but they are one of our rituals for staying connected. If we go without one of the texts, it feels like there is something missing.

We used to have a talk ritual of him calling me when he was driving home from work. Since he moved closer to work, we haven't been able to do that. So, we have a new talking ritual of Skyping or talking on the phone every night. We talk about our days and just whatever is on our minds.

Sometimes rituals can be really weird and unique to a specific couple. For me and Nate, we take Sunday selfies to a new level. A very long time ago we started to send a picture to each other when we were all dressed up and looking nice for church. It evolved into sending multiple selfies that range from cute to ridiculous. I look forward to it every Sunday. Examples are below. Hopefully they aren't too embarrassing :)

Love and Intimacy Rituals

These are also pretty self explanatory. They are rituals that allow you two to show love to each other. They can be anything from saying I love you when you see each other to having weekly date nights. The difference with intimacy rituals is that it adds an element of self-disclosure. It creates a safe atmosphere of talking about hopes, dreams, fears, etc. This is especially important after marriage. You should continue to get to know each other as you did during your courtship (Doherty, 2013).

Invitation

My purpose in sharing this with you is so that you can think about the rituals you have in your own marriage. Do you already have some rituals that you enjoy? Continue doing them! Are you having a hard time thinking about any experience with rituals lately? That's okay, you can fix that. Talk with your spouse about ways you can stay connected amidst the mundane routines of everyday life. Start with a greeting ritual. Make it a point to greet each other with a hug and a kiss every day. I promise it will make you feel more connected with your spouse and bless every part of your marriage!

References

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take Back Your Marriage Second Edition: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart. New York: The Guilford Press.

Love Languages

I think we have all heard of the concept of love languages. We all give and receive love differently. This post will offer a bit of a new twist on this concept.

Image from http://weknowyourdreams.com/image.php?pic=/images/love/love-01.jpg

According to Dr. John Lund (2008) there are three different love languages, or ways that one wants to send and receive messages of acceptance, affection, and appreciation. There are:

1. Touch

2. Verbal

3. Visual

I will provide a quiz at the end of this post that you and your spouse can complete to find out what your love languages are. It is really fun and enlightening! :)

I already knew that I was more of a touch person, and my quiz results reflected that. I had Nate take the quiz as well and found out that he was a visual person.

I have always been more of a touchy feely person, and being in a long distance relationship and only getting to experience touchy feely things every few months has enhanced my need and love for it. For example, I feel weird if I am with Nate and we are not holding hands or if we sit and his arm is not around me. When we are in more of a private setting, he has learned that I completely melt with things like back rubs, playing with my hair, kissing my forehead, etc. I know he loves me when he does those things.

With Nate, he is more of a visual action person. He likes to be shown that he is loved, and actions are how he expresses love. After learning this, the things he does for me mean so much more. Also, I try to do things for him that show my love. For example, the last time I visited him, he was asleep before his laundry was done. I was still awake and I wanted him to be able to have his two loads of laundry clean in the morning. So, I got up and got his dark load out of the dryer, folded it, and then put his white load into the dryer so it could be ready for him in the morning. He really appreciated it and I felt really good that I could show my love in that way.

A verbal person is pretty self explanatory. They like to be told they are loved and appreciated. If you are this person, or if your spouse is, it is important to be clear in what your expectations are and what you our your spouse need to hear. Dr. Lund is a verbal person. On one occasion when he cleaned the kitchen, he went and found his wife and asked if she could make a big deal about it for him. She did so, and even though he asked for her to say she appreciated it, it meant a lot to him.

Finding out which language you and your spouse are can do wonders for your relationship. I invited all of you to take the following quiz and have your spouse or significant other do the same. Then make a point to use these love languages in your relationship.

Love Language Quiz

This is a 27 question quiz. For each question, choose either A, B, or C. Choose only one, even if more than one answer applies. Go with your first impression.

1. Are you a) a deeply feeling person, b) a talking-sharing person, or c) a doing showing person?

2. The thing I remember receiving most in my childhood was a) affection, b) verbal praise, or c) rewards.

3. The family I grew up in demonstrated love by a) touching b) telling, or c) it was just understood

4. As a child I remember being a) spanked, b) yelled at, or c) grounded (if none of these things happened, which one would you have feared the most?)

5. People need to be more considerate of a) other people's feelings, b) how they speak to each other, or c) other people's time and schedules.

6. In communicating affection to my mate, I prefer to a) give tender kisses, b) express tender words, or c) give a gift of tender meaning.

7. I would most enjoy receiving from my companion a) a hug and a kiss, b) an opportunity to talk about the day's events, or c) a phone call during the day. (and I know you want them all, but choose one. it'll work out)

8. For a small gift, I would most enjoy receiving a) a coupon that said "Good for one back rub or foot massage," b) a personal handwritten letter expressing appreciation, or c) a chance to work with my spouse on a favorite project.

9. I am most frustrated by a) insensitive people, b) critical people, or c) unfair people.

10. I need to spend more time with my mate talking about a) positive things, b) significant events, or c) alternatives and solutions.

11. I would prefer a) walking hand in hand, b) a positive heart-to-heart talk, or c) a clean house or well-kept yard.

12. It is more important to have my mate a) sit next to me, b) talk about my hopes and dreams, or c) remember to run an errand for me.

13. I would rather be a) embraced and treated affectionately, b) told that I am loved, or c) shown that I am loved.

14. What I admire in a friend is a) unconditional acceptance, b) availability and understanding, or c) loyalty and dependability.

15. I would prefer to have my mate a) reach out and touch me, b) say I love you, or c) surprise me with a good deed.

16. My idea of a great weekend is a) spending time just being together, b) visiting with friends and family, or c) getting lots of projects accomplished.

17. I would prefer receiving appreciation by a) a hug, b) a kind word, or c) receiving something I loved.

18. With which of these statements would you most agree? a) I would rather hold hands in public or walk arm-in-arm and mean it than live in a fancy house. b) I would rather be told I was loved than be married to a workaholic who is always giving me everything but himself or herself. c) You shouldn't have to tell people you love them; they should know it by the way they're treated.

19. The thing that upsets me most about children is their a) not being affectionate, b) talking back, or c) not being obedient.

20. The thing that upsets me most about my love one is their a) lack of intimacy, b) failure to communicate, or c) lack of responsibility.

21. I would rather have my mate a) be physically expressive in touching, b) recognize my efforts with words of appreciation, or c) demonstrate appreciation by something I can see.

22. When I get upset as a parent, I am more inclined to a) spank, b) scold, or c) withdraw priviledges. (We are talking about being reasonable in all of this, not abusive behavior.)

23. As a parent of a young child, I would prefer a) holding or wrestling with them, b) reading a story to them, or c) taking them to a park. (It's not about what you think they would like, it's what you  would prefer to do.)

24. I feel good a) just being held (We're not talking about an intimate relationship), b) being able to fully express myself, or c) getting things done.

25. Which best describes you? a) physically expressive, b) verbally expressive, or c) accomplishment oriented.

26. As a sign of caring for me, I would like to receive from a loved one a) lots of affection, b) sincere praise, or c) hands-on help.

27. I would prefer to have my mate a) spend more one-on-one time with me, b) pay me a compliment, or c) show greater participation in doing daily tasks.

Now, count up your number of A's, B's, and C's. The letter you have the most of is your dominant love language (Lund, 2008)

A's = Touch

B's = Verbal

C's = Visual

References

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications. 

Content Communicating

When you ask pretty much anyone what the key to a healthy relationship is, they will most likely say, "communication!" That is a very true, but also kind of generic statement. Everyone has their own ways of communicating, and I believe every couple has to figure out for themselves what works for them. However, we are all human, so we have common aspects of communicating. One common aspect is the three basic systems that we use to communicate and receive a message. They are:

1. Facial expressions/body language

2. Tone of voice

3. The actual words you say. 

Dr. Lund (2008) calls the combination of these three message systems "Your Personal Message Filter."

Imagine this scenario with me for a moment. You are a newlywed and you wanted to do something thoughtful, so you have made a meal for your spouse. It may have been a long time since you have made a meal, or maybe you tried a new recipe, or maybe you aren't confident in your cooking abilities. So, at the dinner table, you ask your spouse what they think about what you have made for them. They shift a little bit, look down and away from your eye contact, and with an uneven voice say, "It's great honey." Now, what is your takeaway message from what they have communicated with you? Most people would point out the body language of not making eye contact and the tone as they told you it was great. Your takeaway message would likely be that they hated the meal and it tastes terrible. Even though they told you it was great.

Do you see the troubles that may arise from communicating? It can be very confusing! This is where a common method of communicating comes in and saves the day. It is called content communicating.

In content communication, you hold yourself and your spouse accountable for the actual words they say. You clearly communicate your feelings and needs with words. You don't assume they can read your mind from your body language and tone of voice. This allows a higher possibility of having expectations met and being on the same page.

Let me share with you an experience I read that shows the benefits of content communication. It comes from the perspective of a husband. He and his wife have been married for 15 years. He shared that his wife had asked him almost ever night if he had read his scriptures yet. He was irritated by her constant checking up on his scripture study. One night, he decided to be a content communicator and shared with her his irritation. His wife responded, "I don't care if you read your scriptures or not; I just want to know if I can turn out the light." And just like that the situation was resolved (Lund, 2008). The man did not have anymore irritation and the wife was not sending anymore indirect messages. They were on the same page.

Dr. Lund (2008) explains more about the benefits of content communication:

"When two people agree to become content communicators...there are no hidden agendas. You can trust the other person to ask for what he or she wants. There is no mind reading, no hint dropping, no test for true love, and no holding on to dysfunctional and unrealistic expectations."

I think we are all guilty of expecting our loved ones to be mind readers. We think that if we drop hints they will do exactly what we want. Instead, why not say exactly what you want? It might feel silly and pointless, but I promise you it works.

I have a tendency to worry a lot more than I need to. Nate has been my safe haven and the recipient of the voicing of my worries for almost two years now. Sometimes I worry about an argument or a disagreement that we have had. Nate is ready to move past what happened and be normal and hunky dory again, but sometimes I am not. I remember one instance this happened. I just really needed to be reassured that everything was okay and that Nate was not mad at me for what had happened. I admit I did drop a few hints and wished he could read my mind about this. But eventually I simply said: "Can you just tell me everything is okay and you love me? I need to hear it again." So that is what he did. And guess what? Things got better. I stopped worrying and was able to move on.

I share that example to show how simple content communicating can be. I invite all of you to try it. Catch yourself in the act of hint dropping, assuming, or waiting for your spouse to read your mind. Instead, tell your spouse what your needs and expectations are. I promise they will do everything in their power to meet them and it will just make things easier :)

I leave you with some final words of wisdom from Dr. Lund:

"I counsel couples to assume only one thing - that their spouse is madly in love with them and that their spouse is pleased with everything they're doing" (Lund, 2008)

*If you would like to read more from Dr. Lund's book, click here*

References

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.

4 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Significant Other

In America, there is one divorce about every 36 seconds. It is common knowledge that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The more times you have been married, the higher the percentage of divorce gets, as you can see in the table below. These statistics are basically telling us that about half of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce. That is not a happy thought, especially for someone like me, who is getting married in 2 months.

Let's hold off on the depressing divorce statistics for a moment and have story time! :) 

The rest of what I am going to write will make more sense if you know a bit about the past couple years of my life and about the amazing guy who changed my life.

I met Nate in May 2013. I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I was assigned to serve in his hometown. I don't remember much about him from that time. When I completed my missionary service and returned home to California in August 2014 we became friends on Facebook. He sent me a Facebook message and our relationship grew from there. I was convinced we should just be friends, but with the persistence from Nate and Heavenly Father, that changed and we began our long distance relationship on September 14, 2014.

Our situation has been hard to say the least. Nate is in Oregon working and I am in Idaho at school. We have had to rely on Skype, cell phones, and much too short visits between my semesters and during holiday breaks. On June 14th we will have been together for 21 months. Using an average of 30 days per month, that is 610 days. The total number of days we have spent physically together is about 42 (give or take some half or partial days due to travel time or my bad math or memory on exact days).

That means we have spent about 93% of our relationship in different states.

NINETY....THREE...PERCENT

Needless to say, it has been hard. By far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We have had our ups and our downs and everything in between. We have gone through everything that had every reason to tear us apart and come out stronger and closer together.

I am finally, FINALLY about to be done with school, which means we are so incredibly close to being together forever! And done with this stupid distance thing. We are getting married August 13, 2016 and I do not think it is possible to feel more excited!

This picture means so much to me. This ring means so much to me. This man means so much to me! I cannot believe how lucky I am :)

Okay, back to divorce (gear shift....I know)

Nate and I refuse to even say the word. If it ever comes up we gasp in horror and it has been named "the D word". It is simply not an option for us. We have not come this far and been through this much for a marriage that we expect to even have the possibility of ending.

Nobody is perfect, and we are all open to trials and hardships that can easily turn into becoming one of those 50% of marriages that end in divorce. I think we can all agree that is not a desirable outcome, so what can we do to prevent that? Obviously things happen, but there are some things that you can do to strengthen your relationship to withstand the trials that will come. I named my blog for a reason. It truly is all about love and hard work. If you love someone deep enough, you are willing to work and do whatever it takes to keep that love, and in the end your love grows deeper.

Here are my 4 simple ways to strengthen your relationship with your significant other:

1. "I love you"

If you love someone, tell them! And tell them often. I cannot tell you how many times Nate or I have said "I love you" and instantly things feel at least a tiny bit better. It's never a surprise to hear it, but as human beings we need and crave that constant reminder and reassurance that what we are doing is good and worth it.

2. It's okay to not be fine

This one's for the ladies. We are all guilty of the generic and non true response of "I'm fine" or "It's fine". If something is not fine, tell him! Or at least explain yourself further. You will feel better and everyone will benefit if you resist putting even the tiniest wall up, I promise.

3. If you're not having fun, you're not doing it right

This goes for every part of life. One of my favorite quotes says, 

"In all of living have much of fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."  Gordon B. Hinckley

Take a break from the mundane of life and watch TV together, go on a walk, tell a joke, play a game, do something. As long as there are smiles on your face and you are together.

4. "Tell me about your day"

Be interested and invested in each other's lives. Especially the small details. In my opinion this is the simplest and best way to open up the doors of communication (which we all know is the key to a healthy relationship). So try it. Get past the meaningless "How was your day?" and get to the good stuff! :)

There are so many more ways to strengthen a relationship, but from experience I have seen the benefit of those 4 super simple things. The statistics and the world may be against us, but together we can overcome the odds and create a relationship that does not have an ending. This is where true joy is found. Who's with me?