I think we have all heard of the concept of love languages. We all give and receive love differently. This post will offer a bit of a new twist on this concept.
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According to Dr. John Lund (2008) there are three different love languages, or ways that one wants to send and receive messages of acceptance, affection, and appreciation. There are:
1. Touch
2. Verbal
3. Visual
I will provide a quiz at the end of this post that you and your spouse can complete to find out what your love languages are. It is really fun and enlightening! :)
I already knew that I was more of a touch person, and my quiz results reflected that. I had Nate take the quiz as well and found out that he was a visual person.
I have always been more of a touchy feely person, and being in a long distance relationship and only getting to experience touchy feely things every few months has enhanced my need and love for it. For example, I feel weird if I am with Nate and we are not holding hands or if we sit and his arm is not around me. When we are in more of a private setting, he has learned that I completely melt with things like back rubs, playing with my hair, kissing my forehead, etc. I know he loves me when he does those things.
With Nate, he is more of a visual action person. He likes to be shown that he is loved, and actions are how he expresses love. After learning this, the things he does for me mean so much more. Also, I try to do things for him that show my love. For example, the last time I visited him, he was asleep before his laundry was done. I was still awake and I wanted him to be able to have his two loads of laundry clean in the morning. So, I got up and got his dark load out of the dryer, folded it, and then put his white load into the dryer so it could be ready for him in the morning. He really appreciated it and I felt really good that I could show my love in that way.
A verbal person is pretty self explanatory. They like to be told they are loved and appreciated. If you are this person, or if your spouse is, it is important to be clear in what your expectations are and what you our your spouse need to hear. Dr. Lund is a verbal person. On one occasion when he cleaned the kitchen, he went and found his wife and asked if she could make a big deal about it for him. She did so, and even though he asked for her to say she appreciated it, it meant a lot to him.
Finding out which language you and your spouse are can do wonders for your relationship. I invited all of you to take the following quiz and have your spouse or significant other do the same. Then make a point to use these love languages in your relationship.
Love Language Quiz
This is a 27 question quiz. For each question, choose either A, B, or C. Choose only one, even if more than one answer applies. Go with your first impression.
1. Are you a) a deeply feeling person, b) a talking-sharing person, or c) a doing showing person?
2. The thing I remember receiving most in my childhood was a) affection, b) verbal praise, or c) rewards.
3. The family I grew up in demonstrated love by a) touching b) telling, or c) it was just understood
4. As a child I remember being a) spanked, b) yelled at, or c) grounded (if none of these things happened, which one would you have feared the most?)
5. People need to be more considerate of a) other people's feelings, b) how they speak to each other, or c) other people's time and schedules.
6. In communicating affection to my mate, I prefer to a) give tender kisses, b) express tender words, or c) give a gift of tender meaning.
7. I would most enjoy receiving from my companion a) a hug and a kiss, b) an opportunity to talk about the day's events, or c) a phone call during the day. (and I know you want them all, but choose one. it'll work out)
8. For a small gift, I would most enjoy receiving a) a coupon that said "Good for one back rub or foot massage," b) a personal handwritten letter expressing appreciation, or c) a chance to work with my spouse on a favorite project.
9. I am most frustrated by a) insensitive people, b) critical people, or c) unfair people.
10. I need to spend more time with my mate talking about a) positive things, b) significant events, or c) alternatives and solutions.
11. I would prefer a) walking hand in hand, b) a positive heart-to-heart talk, or c) a clean house or well-kept yard.
12. It is more important to have my mate a) sit next to me, b) talk about my hopes and dreams, or c) remember to run an errand for me.
13. I would rather be a) embraced and treated affectionately, b) told that I am loved, or c) shown that I am loved.
14. What I admire in a friend is a) unconditional acceptance, b) availability and understanding, or c) loyalty and dependability.
15. I would prefer to have my mate a) reach out and touch me, b) say I love you, or c) surprise me with a good deed.
16. My idea of a great weekend is a) spending time just being together, b) visiting with friends and family, or c) getting lots of projects accomplished.
17. I would prefer receiving appreciation by a) a hug, b) a kind word, or c) receiving something I loved.
18. With which of these statements would you most agree? a) I would rather hold hands in public or walk arm-in-arm and mean it than live in a fancy house. b) I would rather be told I was loved than be married to a workaholic who is always giving me everything but himself or herself. c) You shouldn't have to tell people you love them; they should know it by the way they're treated.
19. The thing that upsets me most about children is their a) not being affectionate, b) talking back, or c) not being obedient.
20. The thing that upsets me most about my love one is their a) lack of intimacy, b) failure to communicate, or c) lack of responsibility.
21. I would rather have my mate a) be physically expressive in touching, b) recognize my efforts with words of appreciation, or c) demonstrate appreciation by something I can see.
22. When I get upset as a parent, I am more inclined to a) spank, b) scold, or c) withdraw priviledges. (We are talking about being reasonable in all of this, not abusive behavior.)
23. As a parent of a young child, I would prefer a) holding or wrestling with them, b) reading a story to them, or c) taking them to a park. (It's not about what you think they would like, it's what you would prefer to do.)
24. I feel good a) just being held (We're not talking about an intimate relationship), b) being able to fully express myself, or c) getting things done.
25. Which best describes you? a) physically expressive, b) verbally expressive, or c) accomplishment oriented.
26. As a sign of caring for me, I would like to receive from a loved one a) lots of affection, b) sincere praise, or c) hands-on help.
27. I would prefer to have my mate a) spend more one-on-one time with me, b) pay me a compliment, or c) show greater participation in doing daily tasks.
Now, count up your number of A's, B's, and C's. The letter you have the most of is your dominant love language (Lund, 2008)
A's = Touch
B's = Verbal
C's = Visual
References
Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.