Content Communicating

When you ask pretty much anyone what the key to a healthy relationship is, they will most likely say, "communication!" That is a very true, but also kind of generic statement. Everyone has their own ways of communicating, and I believe every couple has to figure out for themselves what works for them. However, we are all human, so we have common aspects of communicating. One common aspect is the three basic systems that we use to communicate and receive a message. They are:

1. Facial expressions/body language

2. Tone of voice

3. The actual words you say. 

Dr. Lund (2008) calls the combination of these three message systems "Your Personal Message Filter."

Imagine this scenario with me for a moment. You are a newlywed and you wanted to do something thoughtful, so you have made a meal for your spouse. It may have been a long time since you have made a meal, or maybe you tried a new recipe, or maybe you aren't confident in your cooking abilities. So, at the dinner table, you ask your spouse what they think about what you have made for them. They shift a little bit, look down and away from your eye contact, and with an uneven voice say, "It's great honey." Now, what is your takeaway message from what they have communicated with you? Most people would point out the body language of not making eye contact and the tone as they told you it was great. Your takeaway message would likely be that they hated the meal and it tastes terrible. Even though they told you it was great.

Do you see the troubles that may arise from communicating? It can be very confusing! This is where a common method of communicating comes in and saves the day. It is called content communicating.

In content communication, you hold yourself and your spouse accountable for the actual words they say. You clearly communicate your feelings and needs with words. You don't assume they can read your mind from your body language and tone of voice. This allows a higher possibility of having expectations met and being on the same page.

Let me share with you an experience I read that shows the benefits of content communication. It comes from the perspective of a husband. He and his wife have been married for 15 years. He shared that his wife had asked him almost ever night if he had read his scriptures yet. He was irritated by her constant checking up on his scripture study. One night, he decided to be a content communicator and shared with her his irritation. His wife responded, "I don't care if you read your scriptures or not; I just want to know if I can turn out the light." And just like that the situation was resolved (Lund, 2008). The man did not have anymore irritation and the wife was not sending anymore indirect messages. They were on the same page.

Dr. Lund (2008) explains more about the benefits of content communication:

"When two people agree to become content communicators...there are no hidden agendas. You can trust the other person to ask for what he or she wants. There is no mind reading, no hint dropping, no test for true love, and no holding on to dysfunctional and unrealistic expectations."

I think we are all guilty of expecting our loved ones to be mind readers. We think that if we drop hints they will do exactly what we want. Instead, why not say exactly what you want? It might feel silly and pointless, but I promise you it works.

I have a tendency to worry a lot more than I need to. Nate has been my safe haven and the recipient of the voicing of my worries for almost two years now. Sometimes I worry about an argument or a disagreement that we have had. Nate is ready to move past what happened and be normal and hunky dory again, but sometimes I am not. I remember one instance this happened. I just really needed to be reassured that everything was okay and that Nate was not mad at me for what had happened. I admit I did drop a few hints and wished he could read my mind about this. But eventually I simply said: "Can you just tell me everything is okay and you love me? I need to hear it again." So that is what he did. And guess what? Things got better. I stopped worrying and was able to move on.

I share that example to show how simple content communicating can be. I invite all of you to try it. Catch yourself in the act of hint dropping, assuming, or waiting for your spouse to read your mind. Instead, tell your spouse what your needs and expectations are. I promise they will do everything in their power to meet them and it will just make things easier :)

I leave you with some final words of wisdom from Dr. Lund:

"I counsel couples to assume only one thing - that their spouse is madly in love with them and that their spouse is pleased with everything they're doing" (Lund, 2008)

*If you would like to read more from Dr. Lund's book, click here*

References

Lund, J. (2008). For all eternity. American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications.

4 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Significant Other

In America, there is one divorce about every 36 seconds. It is common knowledge that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The more times you have been married, the higher the percentage of divorce gets, as you can see in the table below. These statistics are basically telling us that about half of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce. That is not a happy thought, especially for someone like me, who is getting married in 2 months.

Let's hold off on the depressing divorce statistics for a moment and have story time! :) 

The rest of what I am going to write will make more sense if you know a bit about the past couple years of my life and about the amazing guy who changed my life.

I met Nate in May 2013. I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I was assigned to serve in his hometown. I don't remember much about him from that time. When I completed my missionary service and returned home to California in August 2014 we became friends on Facebook. He sent me a Facebook message and our relationship grew from there. I was convinced we should just be friends, but with the persistence from Nate and Heavenly Father, that changed and we began our long distance relationship on September 14, 2014.

Our situation has been hard to say the least. Nate is in Oregon working and I am in Idaho at school. We have had to rely on Skype, cell phones, and much too short visits between my semesters and during holiday breaks. On June 14th we will have been together for 21 months. Using an average of 30 days per month, that is 610 days. The total number of days we have spent physically together is about 42 (give or take some half or partial days due to travel time or my bad math or memory on exact days).

That means we have spent about 93% of our relationship in different states.

NINETY....THREE...PERCENT

Needless to say, it has been hard. By far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We have had our ups and our downs and everything in between. We have gone through everything that had every reason to tear us apart and come out stronger and closer together.

I am finally, FINALLY about to be done with school, which means we are so incredibly close to being together forever! And done with this stupid distance thing. We are getting married August 13, 2016 and I do not think it is possible to feel more excited!

This picture means so much to me. This ring means so much to me. This man means so much to me! I cannot believe how lucky I am :)

Okay, back to divorce (gear shift....I know)

Nate and I refuse to even say the word. If it ever comes up we gasp in horror and it has been named "the D word". It is simply not an option for us. We have not come this far and been through this much for a marriage that we expect to even have the possibility of ending.

Nobody is perfect, and we are all open to trials and hardships that can easily turn into becoming one of those 50% of marriages that end in divorce. I think we can all agree that is not a desirable outcome, so what can we do to prevent that? Obviously things happen, but there are some things that you can do to strengthen your relationship to withstand the trials that will come. I named my blog for a reason. It truly is all about love and hard work. If you love someone deep enough, you are willing to work and do whatever it takes to keep that love, and in the end your love grows deeper.

Here are my 4 simple ways to strengthen your relationship with your significant other:

1. "I love you"

If you love someone, tell them! And tell them often. I cannot tell you how many times Nate or I have said "I love you" and instantly things feel at least a tiny bit better. It's never a surprise to hear it, but as human beings we need and crave that constant reminder and reassurance that what we are doing is good and worth it.

2. It's okay to not be fine

This one's for the ladies. We are all guilty of the generic and non true response of "I'm fine" or "It's fine". If something is not fine, tell him! Or at least explain yourself further. You will feel better and everyone will benefit if you resist putting even the tiniest wall up, I promise.

3. If you're not having fun, you're not doing it right

This goes for every part of life. One of my favorite quotes says, 

"In all of living have much of fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."  Gordon B. Hinckley

Take a break from the mundane of life and watch TV together, go on a walk, tell a joke, play a game, do something. As long as there are smiles on your face and you are together.

4. "Tell me about your day"

Be interested and invested in each other's lives. Especially the small details. In my opinion this is the simplest and best way to open up the doors of communication (which we all know is the key to a healthy relationship). So try it. Get past the meaningless "How was your day?" and get to the good stuff! :)

There are so many more ways to strengthen a relationship, but from experience I have seen the benefit of those 4 super simple things. The statistics and the world may be against us, but together we can overcome the odds and create a relationship that does not have an ending. This is where true joy is found. Who's with me?